Regular Cast	Recurring Cast
FRASER	MOFFAT
RAY
DIEFENBAKER
Guest Cast
KATHERINE handwritten: BURNS
NICK (ELLIS)
PERRY
JASMINE
ANNOUNCER (VO)	OTHER COUPLES IN LINE
CABBIE	PATRON #1
CLERK	PATRON #2
COLOR COMMENTATOR (VO)	POSTAL EMPLOYEE
DELIVERY MAN	TAILOR
DESK CLERK	WELL DRESSED WOMAN
DESK CLERK’S WIFE	WOMAN IN LINE
DIPLOMAT	WOMAN SHOPPER
ELDERLY LADY	WOMAN’S FIANCE
HOUSEKEEPER	YOUNG FEMALE EMPLOYEE
MR. PORRO

EXTERIOR-DAY	INTERIOR-DAY
CANADIAN CONSULATE	BRIDAL SHOP
CITY HALL	BRIDAL SHOP – FITTING ROOM
DOWNTOWN STREETS	CAB
ELLIS HOUSE – FRONT DOOR	CITY HALL - CORRIDOR
HONEYMOON HOTEL	CITY HALL – MARRIAGE LICENSE OFFICE
MALL	CONSULATE
POST OFFICE	CONSULATE – FRASER’S OFFICE
STREET & RAY’S CAR	CONSULATE - RECEPTION AREA
STREET CORNER	ELLIS HOUSE
STREETS	HONEYMOON HOTEL - HALLWAY
UPPER MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD	HONEYMOON HOTEL – RECEPTION AREA
	HONEYMOON HOTEL - ROOM
	MALL
	POST OFFICE
	RAY’S CAR
EXTERIOR-NIGHT	INTERIOR-NIGHT
CONADIAN CONSULATE	CONSULATE - BALLROOM
GARBAGE DUMP	CONSULATE – MOFFAT’S OFFICE
GARBAGE TRUCK	DUMPSTER
HONEYMOON HOTEL - REAR	FRASER’S APARTMENT
STREETS	GARBAGE TRUCK
	GARBAGE TRUCK - CAB

PROLOGUE
FADE IN:
INT. CANADIAN CONSULATE – MORNING – MOFFAT’S OFFICE
FRASER stands at attention looking up at an unseen MOFFAT.
MOFFAT (V.O.): Image, Constable. That’s what were talking about here.
FAN OVER TO MEDIUM SHOT OF MOFFAT wearing a formal dinner jacket.
MOFFAT: The basis of all diplomatic relations is not who you are but who the other side thinks you are. I’ve worked very hard to create an image of Canadians we can all be proud of.
ANGLE TO REVEAL the full figure of MOFFAT, trouserless, standing on a chair, a Tailor below him pinning the hem on his jacket.
FRASER: Yes, sir.
MOFFAT: You, on the other hand, have been doing everything in your power to wreak havoc on that image.
FRASER: Sir?
MOFFAT: All this do-gooding, Constable. Picking up litter, rescuing kittens, saving people’s lives. What sort of message do you think that sends to the Americans?
FRASER: That we care, sir?
MOFFAT: Exactly. And people don’t fear people who care.
FRASER: I wasn’t aware we wanted the Americans to fear us, Sir.
MOFFAT: That’s what every country wants, Fraser. No one takes you seriously if they think they can push you around. (as the tailor slips off his jacket) Do you think I would have risen this high if people weren’t afraid of me? (snaps at TAILOR) When can it be ready?!
TAILOR: Wednesday.
MOFFAT: Nonsense! I need them this afternoon.
TAILOR: Then I’ll have to take them with me.
MOFFAT: Then get to it man!
The Tailor gathers up Moffat’s pants and exits. Moffat steps off his chair and takes Fraser aside.
MOFFAT: Did you see that? That’s one more American Tailor that fears me.
FRASER: I could see that, sir.
MOFFAT: And that’s what Canada needs.
FRASER: To be feared by tailors?
MOFFAT: Along with every other American.
FRASER: Do we have a plan to accomplish this, sir?
MOFFAT: Yes, but I’m not at liberty to reveal it at this time. The most important thing is that you not undermine our efforts by all this nice guy stuff.
FRASER: Yes, sir. As to my assignment?
MOFFAT: Assignment? Ah, yes. (takes envelope from his desk) I need you to hand deliver a very important document. I don’t want to say that the relationship between our two countries rests on it’s safe arrival, but it something were to go wrong, I can’t speak to the consequences.
Moffat hands it to Fraser.
FRASER: It looks like a party invitation, sir.
MOFFAT: Clever, no? Just make sure you get a signature.
FRASER: Yes, Sir.
MOFFAT: And pick up the balloons on your way back. We’re counting on you to do your part to make this reception a success. (with import:) You know what your duties are?
FRASER: Doorman, sir?
MOFFAT: Is that what you do?
FRASER: Yes, sir.
MOFFAT: Then keep up the good work. Carry on. (as Fraser heads out) Oh, and Constable: (as if sending him off to his death: ) God speed.
FRASER: Thank you, sir.
Fraser exits. After a beat, Moffat notices that he is standing there with no pants.
MOFFAT: Oh.
INT. RECEPTION AREA – MORNING
Fraser crosses through the reception area, passing the receptionist, Jasmine, at her desk, on his way to his office.
INT. FRASER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Fraser enters, crosses to the coat stand, picks up his hat and coat and begins donning them as he talks.
FRASER: I have to go out for a while, Diefenbaker. I’ve been given a very important assignment, and…
He looks over at Dief’s usual spot, he’s not there. Puzzled he looks around the rest of the office.
FRASER: Diefenbaker?…Diefenbaker? (nothing. Opens a closet, he’s not there) I don’t have time for this now. (exasperated/to himself:) There’s nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf.
He exits back into the reception area.
INT. RECEPTION AREA – CONTINUOUS
The receptionist Jasmine is still sitting at her desk when Fraser re-enters. He calls out.
FRASER: (sotto) Diefenbaker! (approaches) Jasmine, have you seen Diefenbaker?
JASMINE: (pointing under her desk) No, Fraser, I haven’t.
FRASER: (Catching on): Ah, well, if you do will you tell him I went out for a little while.
JASMINE: Sure thing.
She nods. He opens the door and exits, as Dief peeks out from under the desk and watches him go.
EXT, CONSULATE BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
Fraser closes the door, checks the address on the envelope and turns right down the street.
Fraser strides down the street to the intersection, where, an ELDERLY LADY with a cane steps tentatively off the curb to cross.
FRASER: Can I give you a hand across the road, ma’am?
ELDERLY LADY: Well, aren’t you a kind young man? Where are you from?
FRASER: Um, Peru, Ma’am
FURTHER DOWN THE STREET – CONTINUOUS
Throughout this scene, Fraser is seen in the BACKGROUND crossing the same street back and forth, each time assisting someone new.
In the FOREGROUND, a woman, KATHERINE, wearing dark glasses and a walkman, reading Berlitz’s :French Phrase Book & Dictionary” and juggling a large number of envelopes approaches an embittered hot dog VENDOR for directions.
KATHERINE (reciting to herself) Je m’appelle, Katherine; comment allezvous?
VENDOR: You want it with everything?
KATHERINE: Could you tell me how to get to the nearest post office?
VENDOR: Two blocks down on your right.
KATHERINE: Je vais bien. Et vous? (to Vendor) I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up I’m trying to learn French and it’s difficult to do two things at once, especially if they’re in two different languages, you were saying?
VENDOR: (yelling) Two blocks down on your—
KATHERINE: Thanks anyway, I’ll find it myself.
She glances down at her watch and heads off into the street, reading.
KATHERINE: Oh, damn. Fermez la porte, Jacques. Merci. Fermez la porte, Jacques. Merci.
Cars blast their horns, screech and swerve to avoid hitting her.
FRASER
still on crosswalk duty, sees Katherine, and…
A LARGE GARBAGE TRUCK
barreling straight for her. Katherine is completely oblivious to the danger. She continues reciting to herself and walking blindly in the path of the oncoming truck. Just as the truck is about to descend upon her
FRASER
flies through the air and grabs her. They fall to the ground, the stack of envelopes flying out of her hand. Fraser rolls them both to safety.
When they stop, Katherine finds herself lying in the gutter on top of him. There is a moment where they just look at each other, with something as close to attraction as we’ve ever seen between Fraser and a woman. But then of course, Fraser being Fraser, he is highly embarrassed by the circumstances.
FRASER: I beg your pardon, but…
CRUNCH! Off camera, she knees him in a sensitive area of his body, then scrambles up.
KATHERINE: What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?!
Without waiting for a reply, she picks up a few envelopes from by her feet and rants on, leaving Fraser gasping.
kkk. Right in broad daylight! I don’t know how men get the idea you can just do whatever you please! Well you tackled the wrong girl, mister!
She notices her letters have also scattered out into the street and continues to pursue them right out into traffic.
FRASER: …No, you misunderstand—
kkk. (cutting him off) I misunderstand? Very nice. Isn’t that just like a man to accuse a woman of not understudying…We’re too rash, too emotional, incapable of reason, huh?
FRASER: (he comes over to help her) No, I didn’t mean…
She turns for a second and doesn’t notice the car swerve around her. Fraser sees the danger and steps out to direct traffic around her. She doesn’t stop talking even to breathe.
kkk. Well let me tell you something about women! When we want something we listen; we don’t throw them to the ground while they’re trying to learn French, and if we do, we apologize!
Fraser picks up her purse and hands it to her.
FRASER: Yes, I’m terribly sorry, but you were about to be hit by a …
BAM! She smacks him across the face with her purse.
FRASER: . . . truck.
kkk. (beat) I’m sorry. What did you say?
FRASER: You were about to be hit by a truck.
kkk. Oh. (beat) Well, you should have said that in the first place shouldn’t you? After all, I’m not a mind reader.
And with that, she heads on her way. Fraser turns just in time to see a truck bearing down on him. He jumps out of the way right into a muddy puddle. He looks down, he’s covered in mud. He begins to brush himself off and looks down, noticing the letter he’s carrying.
CLOSE ON LETTER
It’s the wrong one.
BACK TO SCENE
He looks up. Katherine is gone.
FRASER: Oh my.
FADE OUT:
END PROLOGUE

ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. STREETS – CONTINUOUS
Fraser races across the street, looking to and fro for Katherine. He approaches the hot dog Vendor at the corner.
FRASER: Excuse me, did you happen to wee a young woman pass this way, wearing a bright blue jacket and a floral skirt and carrying a large stack of... (realizes) Post office! Thank you kindly.
Fraser races off down the street.
INT. POST OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Fraser rushes in breathless. He looks around. He sees a long line of people waiting patiently to post letters. Katherine is near the end of the line but is moving up quickly.
kkk. (passing person in front) That’s very kind of you… (to person now in front of her) You don’t mind if I cut in, do you, I’m getting married tomorrow, thank you.
Fraser approaches as she moves up.
FRASER: Excuse me.
She turns to see him.
kkk. Oh, hello. (to woman at rear of line) This is the man I was telling you about.
WOMAN: Hello.
FRASER: (tips his hat to woman) Ma’am.
While the above exchange is going on:
kkk, (to man in front of her – Patron #2) Would you mind if I cut in, I’m getting married tomorrow and I’m running very late, thank you so much.
As she moves up:
FRASER: I’m afraid you have my letter.
kkk. Your letter? Oh no, these are my letters. Don’t you remember? They fell when you tackled me.
FRASER: No, you see, I had a letter, too, but mine had no stamp on it.
kkk. Well, then you’re in the wrong line, you buy stamps over there. (To the patron in front) Excuse me…
PATRON #1: Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
FRASER: (following) No, you don’t understand—no, let me say that another way—
PATRON #2: Hey! Wait your turn, buddy!
kkk. You know, I really don’t think you should be cutting in front of all these nice people. They were generous enough to let me pass, but I’m afraid you’re upsetting them.
Fraser looks around. Some of the faces are looking angry.
kkk. (taking his letter) Oh, here, I have a stamp. I’ll mail it for you.
As she pulls out a stamp:
FRASER: That’s very kind, but I need my letter back.
kkk. You just gave it to me! (looks at letter) Just a second, this is my letter.
FRASER: Yes, it is. You see—
By this time Katherine and Fraser have reached the front of the line. Katherine feeds her package and letters to Postal Clerk #3 at the window, who quickly hand cancels them as she hands them to him.
kkk. What were you doing with my letter? (realizes) Ohhhhh, you’re following me, aren’t you?
FRASER: Exactly!
kkk. Oh, that’s very flattering, but I have to tell you I’m already spoken for and I’m afraid my fiance is very jealous, so I think it’s really best we don’t see each other again.
She hands the clerk her last letter, (Fraser’s), he cancels it as she walks away, then instantly closes the window. The sign on it reads – NEXT WINDOW PLEASE. On Fraser’s expression, we:
EXT. POST OFFICE – LATER
Fraser waits at the curb as Ray pulls up in his car and strides into the post office.
FRASER: I really appreciate this, Ray.
INT. POST OFFICE BACK ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Fraser stands by silently watching Ray, who is engaged in a heated argument with the POSTAL EMPLOYEE.
RAY: Look, he’s a Mountie! Mounties don’t lie! If he says it’s his letter, it’s his letter!
POSTAL EMPLOYEE: I don’t care if he’s Sergeant Preston, he’s not getting the letter.
FRASER: Ray, I…
RAY: It’s okay Fraser. I can handle this. (to Postal Employee) Let me see your driver’s license.
POSTAL EMPLOYEE: Do I look like I’m driving?
He turns back to lay into the manager with more threats as we PAN OVER TO a young female employee behind the far end of the counter, trying to get Fraser’s attention. Fraser walks over to her, as Ray and the Postal Employee keep arguing. N.B. See Addendum 1 for their dialogue)
YOUNG FEMALE EMPLOYEE: (whispering) You’re looking for a letter from the Canadian Consulate?
FRASER: Yes.
The Young Female Employee slides it across to him.
FRASER: I wouldn’t want to get you in any trouble.
YOUNG FRMALE EMPLOYEE: I get off at four.
FRASER: Then I won’t keep you, I’m sure you have lots to do. Thanks again.
Fraser heads over to Ray. The Young Female Employee wonders haw that went wrong.
WITH RAY
The Postal Employee has had enough. As he walks away toward the back.
RAY: (calling after him) Yeah?! Well if I ever find you firing into a crowd with a high powered weapon, don’t expect me to cut you any slack! (to Fraser as they head out) Sorry, there’s absolutely no way to get that letter back.
FRASER: It’s okay Ray.
He surreptitiously shows Ray the letter.
RAY: How do you do the????!!!!
INT. RAY’S CAR – TRAVELLING – MOMENTS LATER
Ray is at the wheel. Fraser in the passenger seat with Ray’s phone to his ear.
RAY: Did I mention it was my day off?
FRASER: Yes, several times. (hangs up phone) The consulate’s line is still busy.
RAY: I thought I did, but then I became confused when I found myself driving around delivering mail.
FRASER: This isn’t simply a mail, Ray. This is a sensitive Canadian government document.
RAY: What, you guy’s planning an invasion?
FRASER: I’m not entirely sure. I think I may have said too much already.
RAY: Well, don’t do it today, because I’m going to be on my sofa watching hoops on the tube, and the tip off is in exactly five minutes.
CLOSE ON THE ENVELOPE IN HIS HAND
He lifts to read the address: N.J. ELLIS, 746 West Lakeside Place, Chicago, 60640.
FRASER: (reading envelope) 746 West Lakeside Place, that wouldn’t be on your way home, would it?
EXT. UPPER MIDDLE CLASS URBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Ray’s car pulls up and Fraser emerges.
FRASER: I’ll just be a minute.
RAY: I’m counting down. One, two---
FRASER: Technically that’s counting up, Ray.
RAY: Four, five…
Fraser nods and off toward:
EXT. ELLIS HOUSE – FRONT DOOR – MOMENTS LATER
Fraser steps up, just as A DELIVERY MAN with several large boxes pushes the doorbell.
DELIVERY MAN: Busy place. Third delivery today.
The door opens to reveal Katherine. She has a phone to her ear.
kkk. I don’t understand what the problem is. (she is shocked to notice Fraser) What are you doing here?!
FRASER: I’m as surprised as you, ma’am, but…
DELIVERY MAN: Delivery for Ellis. Where do you want it?
kkk. Anywhere. (to Fraser) Please, you have to go away. (into pone) Of course not you, you are away! Do men understand nothing?
As the scene progresses, the Delivery Man enters and unloads the packages in a corner, joining several other parcels.
FRASER: (showing her) Let me try and explain. I have a letter…
kkk. The one you accused me of taking?
FRASER: Well, yes.
kkk. You see, you had it all along. Well, lets just say you apologized and leave it at that, shall we?
FRASER: No, I’m here to deliver it.
kkk. You want to give it to me? (laughs dismisively) No, we’ve been through that, I’m not going to take it a second time. (into phone) Yes, I’m still here. (to Fraser) Listen, we both know why you’re doing this, and if I was available I might be intrigued, but I’m not, so you’ll have to leave.
FRASER: I honestly had no idea this was your address.
kkk. Don’t be ridiculous, it’s written right on the envelope.
DELIVERY MAN: (offering up clip board to Katherine) Sign here.
FRASER: Ma’am, all I want to do is deliver this letter and –
kkk. (snatches the letter) All right, I’ll take your letter, but no matter how well it’s written, it’s not going to change my mind, I’m getting married tomorrow. (into phone) I know you know that; alright, I’ll be there at two, just give me your number in case I get lost. (repeats it) 555-0866. (hangs up, searches for a pen) 555-0866, 55500866. Do you have a pen?
FRASER: (handing one to her) Yes, and if you could sign for it –
kkk. Oh, damn, what was the number?
FRASER: 555-0866.
kkk. How do you know the number of my Bridal Shop?
FRASER: (if Fraser ever wanted to kill a woman, this is the one) I didn’t know it was the number of your bridal shop.
kkk. Oh, so you just pulled that number out of the air??
As she places the envelope on the foyer table and signs for it:
kkk. (signs his pad) Here, now is there anything else?
FRASER: I assure you, Ma’am, you will never see me—
NIGEL: (O.S.) Who is it?
kkk. Oh, now you’ve done it, if my fiance finds you here he’ll never understand. He’s very jealous.
FRASER: There is absolutely no reason…
kkk. Well, then you’re a lot more broad minded than he is. Good-bye, now.
She closes the door.
CLOSE ON ENVELOPE ON FOYER TABLE
as Nigel comes down the stairs as Katherine searches through the papers in the drawer in the foyer table.
kkk. Have you seen our wedding license application, dear? I thought I put it, oh here it is.
As she closes the drawer, Fraser’s letter falls off the edge of the table and into the waste basket below, unnoticed.
NIGEL: Who was at the door?
kkk. No one, dear, a Mountie, he means nothing to me.
As they talk, Katherine looks through the papers and other mail scattered on the table for her missing envelope.
NIGEL: He means nothing to you? What’s that supposed to mean?
kkk. Did you see an envelope with a phone number written on it? It was right here.
NIGEL: What did he want?
kkk. You really have nothing to worry about, he’s a total stranger, if I hadn’t been lying on top of him I would hardly have recognized the man. (gives up looking) What’s the number of my Bridal Shop?
NIGEL (quickly) 555-0866 – you were lying on top of him?
As she writes it on the back of another envelope.
kkk. Now don’t get all worked up, he was just being a gentlemen; if he was on top, he would have crushed me, you saw how big he was.
INT. RAY’S CAR – AT THAT MOMENT
Fraser climbs into Ray’s car which is parked at the curb.
RAY: Four-hundred and twenty-two, four hundred and twenty-three.
As Ray throws the car into gear and speed off.
FRASER: Sorry, Ray, it shouldn’t have taken that long, but (checking signature) Miss Burns isn’t the easiest person to –
Fraser rechecks his pad and realizes his mistake.
FRASER: Oh, dear.
EXT. STREET AND RAY’S CAR
It travels away from us for a second before braking hard, stopping and backing up all the way to the house. As Fraser opens the door:
FRASER: Because I have to personally deliver it into the hands of N. Ellis. Must be her fiance, poor man.
RAY: I’m counting, Fraser.
FRASER: (to himself as he heads for the house) All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Ray turns on the radio.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Talk about a wild pre-game show!
COLOR COMMENTATOR (V.O.) Yes, I imagine they’ll be getting rid of those cheer leading uniforms pretty fast after that unfortunate incident…
INT. ELLIS HOUSE – AT THAT MOMENT
Nigel and Katherine’s discussion has elevated to a full-fledged argument.
kkk. Now, see, there you go again jumping to conclusions. You really have to work on controlling your temper.
NIGEL: A guy picks you up in the street, I want to know who he is; is that asking too much?
kkk. (as she puts on her coat) Dear, if I knew his name I would tell you!
NIGEL: You don’t even know his name??
kkk: (starting to get miffed) I really didn’t think it would be appropriate to ask, after all, I hardly know him. And I did have a few other things on my mind, after all, we are getting married tomorrow.
NIGEL (exasperated) I just want to know what happened!
kkk. Nothing, dear. But if it’ll make you happy, I promise I’ll never see the man again.
She opens the door to reveal Fraser, who is about to knock.
FRASER: (sees letter in her hand) Ah, Miss Burns, I just realized I made a mistake in giving you that letter.
Nigel yanks the door wide open. NIGEL (to Katherine) The guy’s sending you letters?
FRASER: (to Nigel) Ah, no, if I could explain—
NIGEL: Don’t lie to me, you just said you did!
kkk. I’m sure it’s just an innocent infatuation, dear, (to Fraser) isn’t that true?
FRASER: No.
kkk. – Really?
NIGEL: --How long has this been going on?!
kkk. (getting miffed) I told you, just since this morning, if you don’t believe that, I really don’t know what else to say! Oh, there’s my cab. (to Fraser, before exiting) Will you please explain it to him?
FRASER: I’d like to explain it to someone. You see, all I am attempting to do sir, is deliver a letter to you.
NIGEL: So give it to me.
FRASER: (realizes with a groan) Oh, she took it, didn’t she. This really isn’t going well. I’m sorry, sir, but if I don’t pursue your fiance immediately I might not catch her. Thank you for your patience.
And Fraser runs off. Nigel just stares after him THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR. Nigel’s “Lieutenant”< PERRY, comes up beside him, eating a sandwich.
PERRY: What was that all about?
NIGEL: Follow her.
PERRY: Oh, c’mon Nigel, not again.
NIGEL: If nothing’s going on, she’s got nothing to worry about. Now follow her.
Perry goes back to exit through the rear.
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF ELLIS HOUSE
A YELLOW CAB with Katherine aboard takes off as Fraser comes running up to Ray’s car. N.B. The game is on the radio.
FRASER: We have to follow her.
RAY: Who?
FRASER: The cab just went around the corner, we can still catch her.
RAY: (groans as he throws the car into gear) Aghhh…
Ray’s car does a U-turn. The cab is nowhere in sight.
INT. ELLIS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nigel watches the car disappear. His HOUSEKEEPER enters from down the hall.
HOUSEKEEPER: Excuse me, sir.
Nigel moves out of the way so that the Housekeeper can reach:
THE WASTE PAPER BASKET
WHERE WE SEE Fraser’s letter amongst the trash. The Housekeeper’s hand picks it up.
BACK TO SCENE
HOUSEKEEPER: If there’s nothing else, I’ll be leaving, sir.
NIGEL: Sure. Thank you, Mrs. MacGuffin.
The Housekeeper walks off toward the rear of the house as Nigel watches out the front door.
EXT. ELLIS HOUSE – NIGEL’S POV
The garage door opens and Perry drives out, following.
INT. ELLIS HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Nigel closes the door and walks off.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS – DAY
Ray’s car weaves through light traffic, most of which consists of yellow taxi cabs.
INT. RAY’S CAR – TRAVELLING – DAY
The basketball game continues on the radio as Ray drives along. Fraser is again on Ray’s cell phone.
FRASER: (looking ahead) I think she turned right.
RAY: Why are we following this woman, Fraser?! You delivered the right letter to the wrong person at the right address. In my books, two out of three is pretty damn good.
FRASER: (hanging up the phone) The Consulate line is still busy.,
Ray turns right to follow the distant cab.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Pippen drives; oh my god, did you see that?
RAY: (yelling at the radio) No! No, I didn’t! Why? Because I’m not home, am I?! (to Fraser) Gimme the damn form, I’ll sign for it! (grabbing Fraser’s pad) –what’s the guy’s name?
FRASER: N.J. Ellis, but I don’t think that would be acceptable—
RAY: Nigel J. Ellis?
FRASER: You know him?
RAY: Ellis Sanitation; the guy’s dirtier than the garbage he hauls. Illegal dumping, toxic chemical spills, they can’t nail him because he has so many politicians in his pocket that he walks with a limp. This is the guy you’re delivering the invasion plans to??
FRASER: I can’t believe it’s the same person. (spots her) There shi is.
EXT. CITY HALL – WIDE SHOT – DAY
Katherine gets out of the cab and hurries into the building. A beat later, Ray’s car pulls up and brakes hard. As Fraser gets out:
FRASER: I promise I won’t be more than a moment.
And he’s gone, as we hear:
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): (over the end of Fraser’s last speech) Holy cow, I’ve never seen a move like that, I’m not sure I can even describe it! Will?
COLOR COMMENTATOR: I wouldn’t know how to start.
Ray hits his head on the steering wheel.
INT. CITY HALL – MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU – MOMENTS LATER
Fraser enters to find a long line of couples to be. Waiting, not so patiently, to retrieve their licenses. He sees Katherine, not surprisingly, at the front of this line. From the back of the room, and as he approaches her, he hears:
KATHERINE: I told you, I have to pick up the license now. The wedding is tomorrow.
CLERK: And I told you, I can’t issue it unless both parties are present!
KATHERINE: Well if you don’t issue it we can’t get married, and since we’re getting married tomorrow you really have very little choice in the matter, I don’t know why you can’t see that.
CLERK (pointing to form) You see where it says ‘bride and groom must appear in person”…?
KATHERINE: If you keep repeating yourself we’re not going to get anywhere.
Fraser steps up beside her.
FRASER: Excuse me, but—
KATHERINE: (sees him) Oh, God. Don’t tell me you want your letter back.
FRASER: Perhaps you could check your purse, you wrote a phone number on it.
CLERK: This your fiance?
KATHERINE: (is the clerk a moron?) Don’t be ridiculous, does he look like my fiancé?
CLERK: Then I’ll have to ask you to step aside so I can help these other people.
OTHER COUPLES IN LINE: Thank you! Great! It’s about time!
Katherine marches off in a huff, passing the line of couples, Fraser following.
WOMAN IN LINE: If you don’t want him, I’ll take him.
WOMAN’S FIANCE: Honey!
WOMAN IN LINE: Well, look at him!
As the woman’s fiance sulks, we cut to….
CITY HALL CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
KATHERINE: You see what you’ve done?
FRASER: I’m sorry, but I really fail to see how my not being your fiance somehow prevented you from getting your license.
KATHERINE: (angered) That’s ridiculous, if you were my fiance I’d have the license right now, wouldn’t I? And they say men are the logical ones. (stops, resigned to the only solution) All right, you’ll have to do it.
FRASER: –I’m sorry?
As she walks back toward the office, Fraser following.
KATHERINE: The office closes in fifteen minutes, Nigel can’t get down here in that time, you’ll just have to tell them you’re my fiance.
FRASER: No, no, I don’t think so.
KATHERINE: You want your letter?
As they enter the:
INT. MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU
AS Fraser tries to catch up to stop her:
FRASER: Yes, but I have no intention of lying to a public official.
KATHERINE: All right, then don’t say anything, I’ll do the talking. (calling as she butts in at the front of the line) Excuse me, I found my fiance.
CLERK: You just told me he wasn’t your fiance.
KATHERINE: I was mistaken. I didn’t recognize him.
CLERK: (to Fraser, not believing this for a second) What’s your name?
KATHERINE: He can’t hear you, he’s mute.
FRASER: I believe you mean deaf.
KATHERINE: Yes, thank you, sweetheart.
Clerk: You’re marrying a deaf-mute Mountie and you didn’t recognize him?
FRASER: Perhaps I could explain.
CLERK: (to Katherine) if he’s deaf-mute, why is he talking?
KATHERINE: Now you’re criticizing the handicapped? Well, I think your superiors would be very interested to know that you refuse to give marriage certificates to the physically challenged. God knows their lives are difficult enough without insensitive bureaucrats like yourself preventing them from getting married. And if that’s not bad enough—
CLERK: (ANYTHING TO SHUT HER UP; HE SHOVES THE LICENSE AT HER) All right, all right, take the damn thing!
Catering takes it and exits. Fraser starts after her, then returns to say:
FRASER: (to Clerk) Thank you kindly.
Fraser hurries to try and catch up with her.
EXT. CITY AHLL – DAY
Katherine hops into a cab. Fraser runs out just in time to see it drive off.
FRASER: (calling after it) Excuse me, but you forgot to…!
But it’s gone. Fraser runs back to find Ray’s car.
ANNOUNCER: Another sensational shot for Kukoc and the crowd is on its feet!
FRASER: (as he climbs in) I wonder if I could ask you to—
Ray tromps on the gas and the car lurches forward, careening into traffic, before Fraser even gets the door closed.
EXT. A MALL – DAY
Katherine’s cab pulls up, she hops out and runs into the mall. As the cab pulls out, Ray’s car SCREECHES to a halt to replace it.
FRASER: (as he climbs out of the car) If you want to go, Ray…
RAY: No, no, having the time of my life.
Fraser leans down to talk to him.
FRASER: Well, I should just be a minute. (reconsiders) No I won’t. You’d better go home.
Ray’s car peels out of frame before Fraser can even say thanks.
FRASER: (calls after the car) Oh, uh….Ray?
Ray’s car backs into shot and slams on the brakes.
FRASER: If you wouldn’t mind stopping at the consulate on your way and explaining I’ll be a little late.
Ray hits the gas and the car speeds out of shot.
FRASER: (calling after him) Thank you, Ray!
Fraser turns and heads into the mall.
INT. MALL – DAY
Katherine rounds the corner and heads into the bridal shop.
PERRY
Nigel's lieutenant, stands a distance off, at the pay phone, eating the remainder of an ice cream cone.
PERRY (into phone): Nigel, it’s me….yeah, yeah, I found her and she’s alone, can I get outta here now?...I’m telling you, it’s a waste of—Yeah, fine, I’ll stick around.
He looks around, heads back to the ice cream parlor, failing to notice Fraser coming down the mall, looking for the bridal shop.
INT. BRIDAL STORE – PRIVATE FITTING ROOM – AT THE MOMENT
Katherine is being attended to by Mr. Porro, who holds a wedding dress with a large hoop.
KATHERINE: I don’t recall saying anything about a hoop.
MR. PORRO: Yes, you remember, (pulling out notebook) it was on the twelfth fitting, you said” put a ‘hoop’ in it”.
KATHERINE: Don’t be ridiculous, why would I say such a thing?
MR. PORRO: Perhaps because you wanted a ‘hoop’, see where I wrote “hoop” here?
KATHERINE: Well, then maybe you wanted a hoop, it’s your writing. How could it be what I wanted when I don’t want it? That doesn’t make any sense at all, now, does it?
MR. PORRO: (HE’S CLEARLY DEALT WITH HER BEFORE) Which is why I didn’t put a hoop in it.
KATHERINE: How clever of you. Should I try it on?
MR. PORRO: Why not?
He pulls the curtain closed and exits.
INT. BRIDAL SHOP – CONTINUOUS
Fraser races in and looks around. There are about a half dozen female customers in the store. A WELL DRESSED WOMAN glides up to Fraser.
WELL DRESSED WOMAN: May I help you?
FRASER: Yes, I’m looking for a woman.
Several of the female customers instantly turn and look.
FRASER: (correcting) A particular woman. Her name is Miss Burns, would you know if she’s here?
WELL DRESSED WOMAN: I haven’t any idea. I don’t work here.
FRASER: …Then how could you help me?
She smiles. Mr. Porro walks up, having overheard.
MR. PORRO: Are you Miss Burns’ fiance?
FRASER: No.
MR. PORRO: You must be very pleased. She’s in the fitting room.
Porro walks off, Fraser heads toward the rear of the shop.
ANGLE ON FITTING ROOM
knocks on the door jam of the fitting room.
FRASER: Excuse me, Miss Burns? It’s Constable Fraser.
She opens the curtain, half into her huge wedding dress.
KATHERINE: You know, there’s a very thin line between persistence and obsession.
OUT IN THE MALL – AT THAT MOMENT
Perry returns with his ice cream and reacts as he sees:
HIS POV – THROUGH THE BRIDAL SHOP WINDOW
Fraser and Katherine at the fitting room door.
INT. BRIDAL SHOP – WITH FRASER AND KATHERINE
FRASER: I’m afraid you forgot to give me the letter.
KATHERINE: (looking o.s.) Oh no.
KATHERINE’S POV OVER FRASER’S SHOULDER
She sees Perry crossing the mall and heading for the store.
BACK TO SCENE
KATHERINE: That man works for my fiance.
FRASER: (turning to look) Which man is—
And Katherine grabs him by the back of the jacket and jerks him into the change room.
INT. CHANGE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
And quickly yanks the curtain shut.
KATHERINE: This is not good, this is not good at all.
PERRY: Miss Burns? It’s me, Perry.
KATHERINE: Which Perry is that?
PERRY: Me. Perry, Ma’am.
KATHERINE: Perry, what a pleasant surprise, what are you doing here?
PERRY: (V.O.) I’m following you, ma’am.
KATHERINE: (to Fraser) This is great, all he has to do is find you in here.
FRASER: Then I’ll just explain—
KATHERINE: You met Nigel, you think you’ll be able to explain this to him?
PERRY: Who are you talking to, Ma’am?
KATHERINE: (sweetly) You, Perry.
As Fraser looks in vain for some other way out:
FRASER: I don’t see any other way out of—
KATHERINE: Get under my dress.
FRASER: …You want me to get under your wedding dress?
KATHERINE: Yes!
FRASER: (any excuse) Isn’t that bad luck?
KATHERINE: Will you hurry up!
FRASER: No, I really couldn’t do that, even in the most extreme of circumstances.
KATHERINE: If Nigel finds you in here he’ll kill us both.
FRASER: . . . Right.
As Fraser bends down, we cut out to…
ANGEL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FITTING ROOM DOOR
Perry waits patiently, knowing he has her trapped.
PERRY: I don’t want to have to come in there, Miss Burns, but I told your fiance that I would watch out for you and—
The curtain parts and Katherine glides out in her huge, hooped wedding dress.
KATHERINE: Hello, Perry, how are you.
PERRY: Fine, Miss Burns.
As Katherine moves off screen, Perry waits at the door, then opens the curtain and looks into:
THE FITTING ROOM
which he is shocked to find is completely empty.
ANGLE ON KATHERINE
gliding through the bridal shop.
KATHERINE: Ow.
FRASER”S VOICE: Sorry. You have to steer, I have my eyes closed.
KATHERINE: Shhh. (as she passes Mr. Porro) It looks lovely. I just want to see how it moves.
And she walks out of the store.
PORRO
stands there watching.
HIS POV – FULL SHOT
of her walking away, four feet visible under the dress.
BACK AT THE FITTING ROOM
Parry throws back the curtain and runs out to the front of the store, beside Mr. Porro, watching
KATHERINE
walking away down the mall, with all four feet showing under the dress.
IN MALL – ANGLE ON PHONE BOOTH
Perry enters and dials. A beat.
PERRY: (into phone) Nigel? I’ve got some bad news.
HIS POV
Katherine and her dress walking away down the mall, the rear of the dress occasionally taking a different tack than the front. She finally turns left. The rear goes right for a beat, then catches up with her and they disappear.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO.

ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS – DAY
As a cab carrying Katherine and Fraser races through the street.
INT. KATHERINE AND FRASER’S CAB – CONTINUOUS
Katherine strains to look behind her but isn’t able to turn around in her dress.
KATHERINE: (to Fraser) Is he following us?
FRASER: (looking) I can’t tell. (to Katherine) Your fiance wouldn’t be Nigel Ellis of Ellis Sanitation, would he?
KATHERINE: You know him?
FRASER: Only by reputation.
KATHERINE: He’s usually a very sweet man, it’s just that when he gets jealous there’s no reasoning with him; well, you know what the Swiss are like.
EXT. STREETS – CONTINUOUS
The cab tears down the street at lightening speed, passing the Canadian Consulate. We hold on the building as Ray’s car pulls to the curb.
INT. RAY’S CAR
As it stops, we see Ray leaning into listen to the radio:
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) I tell you, the people here just saw something they will never forget. This applause isn’t going to stop for some time, so we’ll be right back after these words from our sponsors.
Ray explodes out the door to his car and races to the front door of the Consulate.
INT. CANAIDAN CONSULATE RECEPTION AREA – CONTINUOUS
Jasmine handles the busy phones as Ray rushes in.
JASMINE: (into phone) Canadian Consulate, Consulat du Canada, Good Afternoon, Bonjour, please hold, attendex, s’il vous plait…
She puts this person on hold as Ray opens his mouth to speak. Jasmine raises a finger to tell Ray she’ll be with him in a minute.
JASMINE (to party on second line) Canadian Consulate, Consulat du Canada, Good Afternoon, Bonjour, please hold, attendex, s’il vous plait…
She puts this person on hold.
RAY: Hi, I have to talk to—
Jasmine raises a finger again.
JASMINE (taking a third line) Canadian Consulate, Consulat du Canada, Good Afternoon, Bonjour, please hold, attendex, s’il vous plait…
Ray gives up and heads for Fraser’s office as:
JASMINE (takes first line) Thank you for holding, merci pour attendez…I’m sorry, I don’t speak French, je ne parle pas Francais.
INT. FRASER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Ray runs around behind the desk and searches desperately for pen and paper.
RAY: Where does he keep his pens?
Ray opens the drawer to find the pens neatly arranged by color. He begins to write a note to Moffat.
RAY: (as he writes) Dear…Canadians,…Constable…Fraser…will be…a little
MOFFAT (V.O.) Guest are going to start arriving any minute, where the hell is he?!
Ray looks up to see:
RAY’S POV THROUGH THE PARTIALLY OPENED DOOR
Moffat, still pantless, paces back and forth at Jasmine’s desk.
JASMINE: I have been trying to reach him, sir—
MOFFAT: How long does it take to do one simple chore?!
JASMINE: He said he’d be back soon, sir.
WITH RAY – WATCHING
As he does, Ray notices Fraser’s closet ease open. Dief looks out to witness Moffat’s tirade.
MOFFAT: Well, if he’s not here in five minutes, he doesn’t have to bother showing up at all! No more excuses! I will not be made to look like a fool!
With that, exits to his office and slams the door.
INT. FRASER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Ray crinkles up the note and tosses it in the garbage. Dief looks up to Ray.
RAY: Trouble.
Ray notices Fraser’s second dress uniform hanging on the back of the open closet door. The idea strikes him. He steps quietly over to Fraser’s office door and eases it closed.
INT. CONSULATE RECEPTION AREA – CONTINUOUS
The Tailor enters with Moffat’s newly hemmed pants.
TAILOR: I have the emperor’s clothes.
JASMINE: He’s here, sir.
Moffat storms toward them.
MOFFAT: Well, it’s about time!
Moffat snatches the pants and slams the door. The Tailor shrugs to Jasmine and exits. Jasmine returns to her desk. A beat later, Ray, in Fraser’s uniform, and Dief, cross toward the exit. Ray winks and raises a conspiratorial finger to his lips.
RAY: Shhh.
jasmine just stares at this incongruous sight, as Ray exits through the front doors.
INT. KATHERINE AND FRASER’S CAB – MOMENTS LATER
The cab is still barreling down the street.
FRASER: (straining to see out the back window) I don’t see anyone pursuing us.
KATHERINE: I can’t believe he had me followed! I mean, what does he think, I’m going to run off and have an affair the day before we get married?! I’ve never given him one reason to suspect me!
FRASER: I’m not sure I was completely concealed under your dress.
KATHERINE: (not listening to him) I mean, even if I was a little attracted to you, I haven’t acted on it, have I?
FRASER: No, you’ve been – You see, this is something that your fiance could possibly misinterpret.
KATHERINE: Not that I am attracted to you.
FRASER: No, I understand.
KATHERINE: (conceding defeat) So, what am I going to do? I can’t go home until he calms down, and I can’t just keep driving around.
FRASER: You must have some friends?
KATHERINE: In Connecticut.
FRASER: Family?
KATHERINE: Hong Kong, Gstaad, Portofino and Terminal Island. (in a way of explanation) Tax evasion, it’s all a misunderstanding.
FRASER: I could see how that could happen.
KATHERINE: (resigned) No, we’ll just have to go to your place.
FRASER: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.
KATHERINE: … You don’t?
FRASER: No. (an excuse) I have a wolf.
KATHERINE: Oh. Shame. (to driver) Can you recommend a hotel?
CABBIE: Yeah, I know just the place.
She sits back, sneaks a look at Fraser, they drive on in silence.
EXT. HONEYMOON MOTEL – EARLY EVENING
A two-story motel with a big neon sign. The cab pulls up to let her off.
INT. CAB – CONTINUOUS
FRASER: Would you like me to wait until check in?
KATHERINE: (smiles almost sadly) No, that’s okay.
She climbs out.
KATHERINE: Oh, you almost forgot your letter.
She pulls a letter out of her bag and hands it to Fraser.
FRASER: Thank you.
KATHERINE: You’re not going to come back and ask me for it again are you?
FRASER: No, ma’am.
KATHERINE: (beat) Oh. I was sort of getting used to it. Good-bye.
FRASER: Good-bye.
She closes the door, Fraser watches her enter the lobby. A beat.
CABBIE: Where to?
FRASER: The Canadian Consulate, please.
EXT. HONEYMOON MOTEL – CONTINUOUS
The cab pulls out and frives off.
INT. CAB – CONTINUOUS
Fraser is lost in pleasant thoughts for a moment. He looks down at the letter in his hand – the phone number written on the back of it. He turns it over and sees:
CLOSE ON ENVELOPE
It’s the wrong envelope.
BACK TO SCENE
FRASER: I am afraid we have to go back.
CABBIE (as he turns) I knew that was going to happen.
EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS
The cab does a U-turn and drives back to…
EXT. HONEYMOON MOTEL – CONTINUOUS
The cab pulls in.
FRASER: I’ll just be a minute.
Fraser gets out and heads into the motel. We hold on the exterior. A sedan pulls up in the foreground, the driver is Perry. He picks up his car phone and dials.
INT. HONEYMOON MOTEL – RECEPTION AREA – CONTINUOUS
Fraser enters and looks around for Katherine. Not seeing her he walks over to the middle-aged DESK CLERK.
FRASER: Excuse me, I believe Katherine Burns just checked in?
DESK CLERK: I figured you’d be along soon; can’t have a honeymoon without the groom, huh?
The desk Clerk gives him a wink.
FRASER: No, I’m not the groom, I’m Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
DESK CLERK: An, “the Mountie and the damsel in distress” – my wife and I used to play that one.
FRASER: Perhaps if I showed you my ID.
DESK CLERK: No need. (turning to find key) I put you in the Honeymoon Suite: heart shaped water bed, private lava pool and complimentary champagne and oysters.
He offers Fraser the key.
FRASER: (pointing to his ID) Here, you see where it says RCMP?
DESK CLERK: Nice touch.
FRASER: No, you see she has a letter that—
DESK CLERK: (presses key in his hand) Have a good night.
FRASER: (gives up) …Thank you.
Fraser exits down the hall. The DESK CLERK’S WIFE comes out from the back office and sees Fraser walking away.
DESK CLERK’S WIFE (watching Fraser, nostalgically) Oh Bernie, what does he remind you of?
DESK CLERK: Dubuque?
DESK CLERK’S WIFE: (lovingly) You looked so cute, strapped to that dogsled.
INT. HONEYMOON MOTEL HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER
Fraser arrives at Katherine’s door and knocks.
FRASER: Miss Burns?
KATHERINE: (V.O.) I don’t need any more champagne, thank you, these two are quite enough.
FRASER: It’s me, Constable Fraser. I’m afraid you gave me the wrong letter.
The door opens, revealing Katherine, a big smile on her face, she couldn’t be more glad to see him.
KATHERINE: I was so hoping you’d say that.
ANGLE DOWN THE HALL
Two old folks coming out of a room down the hall look to see:
THEIR POV – FRASER AT KATHERINE’S DOOR
FRASER: No, I think you are misreading my intentions, I – (as she pulls him in o.s.)—oh dear.
And they hear a DOOR SLAM and react.
EXT. HONEYMOON MOTEL – AT THAT MOMENT
Perry steps out of the front door and heads back to his car. Half-way there, Nigel’s car pulls into the parking lot.
NIGEL: Where are they?
PERRY: The Honeymoon Suite. Come on, Nigel, let’s go home, she isn’t worth it.
Nigel throws the blanket off the shotgun on the seat beside him and picks it up as he opens the car door and exits.
INT. HONEYMOON MOTEL ROOM – AT THAT MOMENT
Katherine stands with her back to Fraser, swigging on the champagne bottle, as Fraser, clearly panicked, works at her stuck zipper.
FRASER: It seems to be caught on the material. Perhaps I could get one of the maids to help you with this.
KATHERINE: You know what I’m thinking, Constable?—
FRASER: (freeing it_ -- ah, here we go—
KATHERINE: –It would serve him right if I did have an affair.
FRASER: (immediately zips it back up to the neck) No, it’s just not going to come off. (heading for door) Well, good night, now.
KATHERINE: What about your letter?
FRASER: It’s really not important.
KATHERINE: (moving toward him) At least have one drink with me.
Fraser, his back to the door, gropes for the handle.
FRASER: Thank you but I don’t drink. (re: door) The door seems to be—
KATHERINE: (advancing) Locked.
FRASER: Ah yes, safety first, why don’t I go check the fire routes?
KATHERINE: (touching his chest) You don’t even drink champagne?
FRASER: I’ve never felt the need, (she puts her arms around his neck) too often it’s used to escape from one’s problems. (she kisses him, then) Perhaps just one bottle.
INT. HONEYMOON MOTEL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Nigel is about to knock on the door, when he hears:
KATHERINE: (O.S.) This one’s empty. The other one’s beside the bed.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Fraser finds himself shuffling backwards as she walks him toward the bed, clinging to him.
FRASER: (as he backs up) We really need to discuss this. You see, in times of emotional stress, people tend to act irrationally.
KATHERINE: –You seem to be under a lot of stress yourself.
FRASER: (getting more and more nervous) – That may be so.
KATHERINE: –So you may be acting irrationally.
FRASER: –Ah, I seem to have stepped on a petard.
KATHERINE: –I must have dropped it earlier.
FRASER: (bumps into bed with the back of his leg) Oh, dear.
She leans in to kiss him, Fraser leans back and the two tumble onto the bed.
ANGLE ON BED
as they fall in, Katherine on top of Fraser.
KATHERINE: I think you lied about my zipper.
FRASER’S POV – THE MIRROR ABOVE THE BED
She reaches back and easily unzips the dress as his face goes stone white.
INT. HONEYMOON MOTEL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
As Nigel hears the sound of the zipper, he raises his shotgun to the door and…
INT. MOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Katherine leans in to kiss Fraser as…BLAM! A basketball-sized hole is blown into the door behind them, taking out the far window.
FRASER: Thank God.
Fraser quickly rolls the two of them over the bed to cover.
KATHERINE: (innocent) Nigel, is that you?
Another shot gun blast tears a hole in the door and the WATER BED explodes. Fraser grabs Katherine'’ hand.
FRASER: Come on!
and runs her to the window as…
INT. MOTEL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Nigel reloads.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Fraser looks down and leaps out the window.
EXT. REAR OF HONEYMOON MOTEL – NIGHT
Fraser lands in the open dumpster in the alley below. he looks up to call—
FRASER: Jum—
Before the “p” is out of his mouth she lands right on top of him, the two being buried in the dress and garbage. Fraser recovers, reaches up and pulls the dumpster lid closed as:
ANGLE ON WINDOW ABOVE
Nigel appears, looks out. He sees
PERRY
running around the corner towards him.
NIGEL
waves him on and Perry runs past the dumpster. Nigel disappears back inside.
INT. DUMPSTER – CONTINUOUS
They sit motionless as they hear Perry’s footsteps receding.
FRASER: I think we’re safe.
There’s a sound of a truck approaching and:
EXT. REAR OF HONEYMOON MOTEL – CLOSE ON DUMPSTER
The PRONGS of a garbage truck slide into shot, and into the slots on the dumpster.
INT. DUMPSTER
On felling the impact.
FRASER: Though I could be mistaken.
They are thrown against the wall of the dumpster as it’s jerked into the air.
EXT. REAR OF HONEYMOON MOTEL – ANGLE INCLUDING GARBAGE TRUCK
The roar of the motor masks they’re yells as they’re dropped through the top of the truck along with all the other trash.
KATHERINE: Ahhhh!
INT. GARBAGE TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Katherine and Fraser fight their way to the surface of the trash.
FRASER: I believe the worst is over.
EXT. GARBAGE TRUCK – ON CAB
The driver’s door opens, Nigel reaches in…
NIGEL: Take a break.
He yanks out the driver and hops into the seat, throws the truck into gear and drives off. As he does, we read the sign on the truck: ELLIS SANITATION.
WIDE SHOT
The truck disappears down the alley, as Perry hops into his car and follows.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR
FADE IN:
EXT. DOWNTOWN CITY STREET – NIGHT
As the garbage truck motors along
INT. GARBAGE TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Fraser checks the ceiling and determines there’s no escape. He sits with Katherine, who pulls her wedding dress off over her head.
KATHERINE: (in explanation) I don’t want to ruin it.
She looks down at the dress, torn, stained with garbage. Even though she knows it’s completely futile she continues neatly folding it in her lap.
KATHERINE: My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress. Of course always the rebel I had to go out and have my own made…Now look at it.
FRASER: (reassuringly) Dry cleaners can do – (she holds up dress) absolutely nothing with that.
She smiles, which somehow turns to tears.
KATHERINE: I can’t believe I’m spending the eve of my wedding riding in a garbage truck with a total stranger I just tried to seduce in order to escape being shot by my fiance. I mean, it doesn’t get much worse than that does it?
But Fraser’s attention is somewhere else.
FRASER: Unfortunately, it may. We haven’t stopped for more garbage.
Fraser pulls his compass and checks his suspicions.
KATHERINE: Not having garbage dumped on top of us is a bad thing?
FRASER: In this case, yes. It means the truck has finished its rounds and should be returning to the city dump, in which case we should be going due south.
KATHERINE: Like my life.
FRASER: However, we’ve been consistently travelling northwest. I believe somebody has commandeered this vehicle.
KATHERINE: …Oh.
INT. CAB OF GARBAGE TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Nigel is at the wheel.
EXT. STREETS – CONTINUOUS
The truck barreling down the street.
EXT. CANADIAN CONSULATE – CURBSIDE – CONTINUOUS
FOLLOW A WHITE LIMO as it pulls up to the curb, where we see Ray (in Fraser’s uniform) and Dief. A large transistor radio sits by the wall, blasting out the game. the CROWD CHEERS.
ANNOUNCER: Quadruple overtime! I’ve never seen a game like this in my life, I don’t think I’ll ever live to see another.
Not a happy man, Ray moves to open the limo door as a DIPLOMAT steps out.
DIPLOMAT: Do you know what the score is?
RAY: Shut up and get inside. (to woman getting out) Come on, come on, I haven’t got all day.
INT. MOFFAT’S OFFICE – HIS POV OF THE STREET BELOW
As he watches “Fraser” shoo the dignitaries into the ball.
ANGLE ON MOFFAT
watching. He lifts a micro-recorder and speaks into it.
MOFFAT: Mental note: send Fraser back north for some R and R. I think he’s been spending too much time with that Chicago policeman.
Moffat walks o.s.
EXT. CONSULATE – WITH RAY AND DIEF
The limo drives off as another heads their way. Ray walks back to Dief at the wall.
RAY: How does he do this all day? (beat) Where the hell is he? Something’s gotta be wrong, he’d never be this late.
The driver in the waiting limo toots it’s horn.
RAY: (calling back) What, your arm’s broken, you can’t open a door?
Ray turns back to Dief and ignores them. Under the following, the people get out of the limo and file in.
RAY: Okay, lets think this through like he would. If Fraser were with a beautiful woman, where would he end up?
Dief barks.
RAY: No, that’s you and me. What would Fraser do? Think. What’s the most unglamorous, unromantic place you could possibly take a woman.
Just then the garbage truck barrels past. Diefenbaker immediately starts barking and runs after it.
RAY: (calling after him) Come on, a garbage truck?! Not even Fraser is that—(beat. Yells:) Hold on, Benny, I’m coming!!
Ray runs off and jumps into his car.
EXT. STREETS – AT THAT MOMENT
The garbage truck flies around the corner, almost going up on two wheels. It’s long gone by the time Dief comes around the corner.
INT. GARBAGE TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Katherine’s life could sink no lower.
KATHERINE: Tell me something, Constable. Why is it everywhere I go disaster follows?
FRASER: (re: himself) Perhaps it’s the company you keep.
Katherine is forced to smile at that.
KATHERINE: I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?
FRASER: Well, I don’t really know Nigel, so it would probably be unfair—
KATHERINE: What is wrong with you?! A man is trying to kill you, you’re supposed to hate him: a woman throws herself at you, you’re supposed to…(hurt) well, you’re supposed to do something!
FRASER: Well, you are engaged to someone.
Fraser notices a loose thread on his lapel and delicately tries to fix it.
KATHERINE: Are you always so good and honorable and perfect and—(notices) What the hell are you doing?
FRASER: A loose thread, it’s nothing really. You wouldn’t happen to have a pair of scissors on you?
KATHERINE: Just yank it off!
FRASER: But the button may come off.
KATHERINE: It’s a button, take a risk!
Fraser yanks on the thread. The buttons falls off.
FRASER: Oh.
KATHERINE: Don’t you ever do anything reckless or stupid or wild?
FRASER: …No. Although there was…No.
KATHERINE: (admits) I guess that’s what attracted me to Nigel. He was just so…dangerous.
FRASER: Yes, I can see how that would seem exciting.
KATHERINE: On our first date, it was January and we drove to Atlantic City with the top down. He took me to a high stakes crap game in the back of a bar, we drank much too much champagne and ended up jumping off the pier with all our clothes on. It was just so…romantic.
FRASER: I thought I was in love once. later I discovered it was an inner ear imbalance, but at the time…We spent the night snowed in on the lee side of a mountain, watching the Aurora Borealis burn and dance. It was one of the most dramatic moments of my life. But when it ended, I discovered that I’d learned two things. The first is that it’s easier to think you’re in love than to think you’re alone. And the second is that it’s easy to confuse love with high-speed particles from the sun bursting in the air. (beat)
She smiles, and then looks into his eyes.
KATHERINE: It’s funny, the things that attract you to somebody.
Silence. She slowly leans closer to him, he tentatively leans closer to her…and suddenly…the truck jams on it’s brakes and they’re thrown forward to be buried in the pile of garbage. She digs her way out.
KATHERINE: God, I hate my life.
With that, the truck bed is quickly raised and they slide out, along with all the garbage.
KATHERINE: Ahhhhh!
INT. WASTE TRANSFER STATION – NIGHT
They tumble out in the torrent of trash, landing in the pit below. They dig their way out of the garbage to see Nigel standing nearby, shotgun in hand, murder in his eyes. Perry steps out of his car.
FRASER: Good evening.
NIGEL: You’ve got a lot of nerve, for a Canadian.
FRASER: Ah yes, it’s quite reasonable that you’d be angry given your understandable confusions, but—
KATHERINE: (jumping up to stand next to Fraser) I love him.
FRASER: (quickly) No, she doesn’t.
KATHERINE: Yes, I do.
FRASER: You see, she’s angry and attempting to make you jealous. (to Katherine) Which at this particular moment would seem a very poor choice.
NIGEL: Well, it worked.
He lifts his shotgun to fire. Suddenly Dief flies in from nowhere, grabbing the gun in his teeth! and
RAY’S CAR
roars through the door and bears down on them. Nigel scrambles to get his gun, Perry leaps out of the path of the car…
DIEF
hops down into the pit…
FRASER
pulls Katherine behind a discarded sofa as:
NIGEL
gets to his gun and whirls to fire at:
DIEF
who leaps over the sofa to take cover with Fraser and Katherine, the shotgun blast taking out a piece of the sofa.
NIGEL
wheels his gun around toward Ray’s car and fires. The side window explodes.
RAY
leaps out of the car, firing as he jumps down into the pit and takes cover with Fraser et al. Under fire:
FRASER:
Detective Vecchio, Miss Burns. Miss Burns, Diefenbaker.
RAY: (to Katherine) Congratulations, I hear you’re getting married. (to Fraser) You don’t want to know why I’m wearing your uniform?
FRASER: I assumed it was something personal.
Ray blindly returns fire.
NIGEL
under fire, joins Perry behind an old fridge and reloads.
NIGEL: Why do I never learn? Shoot first, talk later. Shoot first, talk later.
PERRY: C’mon, Nigel, there’s three of them now. You can’t kill them all just because some woman’s running around on you.
NIGEL: Watch and learn.
He raises the gun and lets both barrels go.
FRASER: (O.S.) Mr. Ellis!
ANGLE BEHIND SOFA
FRASER: (yelling to Nigel) I want to assure you that Katherine has been completely faithful to you!
KATHERINE: (to Fraser) Except for the part on the waterbed.
RAY: (“His” Fraser?) Waterbed?
Dief turns to look at Fraser.
FRASER: It was completely innocent.
RAY: Big shock there.
FRASER: (calling out) Unfortunately, if you don’t want to believe that, there’s nothing I can say to convince you!
RAY: What – no Inuit tales, no Mountie stories?
FRASER: It’s a ploy, Ray.
RAY: (to Katherine) He always has a play.
FRASER: (yelling to Nigel) You can never know what is in another person’s heart. You can only know what is in your own. Look into your heart. Do you love Katherine?
NIGEL: (O.S.) Why do you think I want to kill her?!
FRASER: …Ah.
Nigel fires some more at them.
FRASER: (to Ray) Odd, it usually works.
RAY: That’s it?
FRASER: Unfortunately there’s no way to prove a virtue.
another blast makes them duck.
ANGLE BEHIND FRIDGE
Nigel has run out of shells.
NIGEL: Damn. (to Perry) Gimme your gun.
Perry has never taken his out of his holster.
PERRY: No.
NIGEL: (trying to grab it) I said give it to me!
He keeps trying to take it as Perry keeps batting him away.
NIGEL: (truly angry) Come on! Suppose they see us behind here?! How’s this going to look?!
ANGEL BEHIND SOFA
FRASER: He’s not going to listen to reason. How many bullets do you have left, Ray?
RAY: One. (he fires it straight up) I’m not shooting my car! I blew up the last one for you, I’m not doing it again!
FRASER: Actually that’s not what I had in mind.
RAY: Good. Because I wouldn’t have done it.
FRASER: Yes, Ray, I know. What I had in mind was you and I creating a diversion, while Katherine makes a run for that chute over there and slides down to safety.
THEIR POV – THE CHUTE
too far away.
FRASER: But unfortunately, you’re out of bullets.
RAY: (grabbing his back-up gun) I lied.
FRASER: Oh, well then, do you think you can get a clean shot at your rear bumper?
RAY: No! On three, I come up shooting, you throw a head of lettuce or whatever you do, and the lady runs for the log ride. Ready?
Fraser nods.
FRASER: One… tow… three!
KATHERINE: (instantly standing up) This is ridiculous!
But Dief bolts out of the shot and runs…
ANGLE ON CHUTE
Dief slides down the garbage chute to safety.
ON RAY AND FRASER
RAY: (to Fraser) She doesn’t listen very well, does she?
FRASER: No, Ray.
As Fraser stands up.
KATHERINE: You want to shoot me, Nigel? Go ahead!
Ray stays down, looking at them both as if they’re nuts.
KATHERINE: How can you say you love me and threaten to kill me?! I mean, what the hell does love mean to you?!
NIGEL (to Perry) Give me the damn gun.
HE GRABS IT AWAY FROM Perry.
KATHERINE: Just a bunch of particles bursting all over the place, and when you try and touch it, there’s nothing there! That’s not love, Nigel, that’s a light show.
FRASER: Perhaps I could explain what she’s alluding to.
NIGEL: What’d you expect?! you run around with this guy, I find you in a hotel—
KATHERINE: I wasn’t the one who didn’t trust you, had you followed! Do you know what that feels like, Nigel? to love someone who doesn’t even trust you?
NIGEL: (defensively) I get nuts!—I’m sorry!—You do that to me!
KATHERINE: No, you do that to yourself.
NIGEL … You really didn’t do anything with this guy?
KATHERINE: I’m not going to tell you, Nigel.
RAY: Tell him!
KATHERINE: You either believe me, or you don’t. There’s no way to prove a virtue.
FRASER: Perhaps you should try.
NIGEL (aggravated) You are just so--- (considers, lowering the gun) Okay, okay! I believe you!
RAY: (not too loud) I wouldn’t.
NIGEL: I’m sorry, okay? (to Perry) You ever hear me apologize to anyone before?
PERRY: No.
NIGEL: Hear that? Never before. I’ll say it again. Katherine, I am sorry. Good enough? (beat/softens) Okay, let’s go home, we’ll get married.
KATHERINE: (touched) Thank you. You don’t know what that means to me, Nigel. (beat) Unfortunately, I’ve realized I don’t love you, so o.
Fraser and Ray turn to look at her. Is she nuts?
NIGEL: That’s it! I apologize, I offer to take you back and you throw it in my face, well to hell with you!
He raises the gun to fire. Fraser takes off his hat and flings it at Nigel. It slices through the air, the brim strikes Nigel in the forehead and knocks him over.
Fraser and Ray scramble up the wall of trash, Fraser puts a foot on his chest as Ray grabs the gun. Perry raises his hands.
PERRY: Hey, I’m just along for the ride.
In the background, Katherine climbs up, and in so doing finds something in the trash.
RAY: You threw your HAT????
FRASER: Some people you just can’t reason with.
RAY: You threw your HAT????
FRASER: It’s actually a remarkably stiff brim, designed specifically to be used as…
RAY: I don’t want to hear it! We’re in a crisis, the man throws his hat.
Katherine approaches and hands Fraser the envelope she found in the trash.
KATHERINE: Look what I found.
FRASER: Hm. Remarkable. Thank you. (hands it to Nigel) Would you mind signing for this?
EXT. CANADIAN CONSULATE – NIGHT
A Diplomat and her husband emerge from the Consulate, leading us to Fraser, who opens a limo door for them.
FRASER: Good-night, Ma’am. Good-night, Sir.
As this limo pulls out, Fraser turns and walks back to Dief, who lies against the wall.
FRASER: And don’t try and tell me you were attempting to circle around behind them, because you never showed up.
Dief lets out a little moan and puts his head down on his paws.
FRASER: I thought you’d have nothing to say.
Fraser leaves Dief to look guilty as a taxi pulls to the curb. He opens the back door to reveal Katherine, in a beautiful gown.
KATHERINE: Am I too late?
FRASER: No, I think the band is still playing.
Katherine: (handing him the soiled invitation) Nigel couldn’t use it. (beat) I was hoping maybe I could steal you away for a dance.
FRASER: I’d love to, but…
KATHERINE: Duty calls.
FRASER: (smiles) Such as it is.
KATHERINE: Well, maybe another time.
She smiles and enters, passing Ray, in h is tux, who’s on his way out. Fraser looks down, notices a loose thread on one of his buttons.
RAY: Quite the buffet. The thing I love about Canadians, you can elbow them out of the way real easy. (noticing Fraser) Whatcha doing?
FRASER: Just a loose thread. You wouldn’t have a pair of…
Fraser stops himself, considers, then smiles…
ECU BUTTON
He gets a firm grip on the thread and gives it a sharp tug. The thread breaks, the button stays on.
BACK TO SCENE
Fraser looks at the thread in his hand.
FRASER: Ray, I wonder if I could impose on you to—
RAY: Go ahead, I was sort of getting the hang of it.
FRASER: Thanks.
Fraser bounds up the stairs into the consulate as two guests head for their waiting limo.
INT. BALLROOM – NIGHT
Katherine stands talking to one of the few guests left. A hand taps her on the shoulder. She turns to see Fraser.
FRASER: May I?
She smiles, and he dances her away.
EXT. CONSULATE – AT THAT MOMENT
Music wafts out onto the street as Ray opens the limo door for A VERY DISTINGUISHED LOOKING COUPLE. Is that Brian and Mila Mulroney?
RAY: You have a good time? That’s great. (to wife, re; purse) Whoa, whoa, whoa, those bread rolls in there? Dump it out on the hood.
FADE OUT:
FINAL CREDIT
EXT. HONEYMOON MOTEL – NIGHT
The taxi sits running outside the silent motel.
CLOSE ON THE DRIVER
Sleeping with his mouth open. Pan over to the meter as it clicks over to $487,25. We hear the back door open. The driver wakes and looks back to see:
DRIVER’S POV – THE BACK SEAT
The Desk Clerk and his Wife, dressed as a Mountie and a Damsel in Distress.
DESK CLERK: How much to Dubuque?
FADE OUT: